this city's killing me

cause I'm broken

2009-05-05T02:31:23Z

Every single one of these college application essays is a lie. I write about a triumph of the human spirit but it's all bullshit. I don't want to challenge myself. I want to crawl under the covers and sleep forever. I am not the person people that people told me I was.

things have changed for me

2008-12-29T17:56:42Z

New Year's Resolutions:

1) Get fit. No more wimpy runs. Be a serious runner.

2) Get into college. Yeah....

3) Be honest.

4) Be nicer/more outgoing.

5) BE MORE DECISIVE.

Freedom? What's up, America?

2008-11-16T15:35:38Z

Let's take a moment to reflect on the constitution.

Specifically, let's look at Amendment 14, equal protection under law and due process of law. This part of the constitution blatantly reads “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States.” This begs the question: is taking away the right to marriage from gay couples in violation of the 14th Amendment, which declares that no state shall take away the privilege of any U.S. citizen?

Again, I find myself astonished at the injustice many Americans are advocating. I think that the slogan many protesters in Washington D.C. chanted before the capitol says it best: “gay, straight, black, white; marriage is a civil right.” To me, banning same-sex couples from marriage is as obvious an infringement on personal freedom as segregation laws.

Pro-marriage? Is a 41% divorce rate of first marriages really preserving the sanctity of holy matrimony? Are the people who burn through 2, 3, 4 marriages really more deserving of the right than a devoted gay couple that has been fighting for 10 years to be recognized under the law? Who are we to judge these people? Those who defend their opposition often cry “it’s against my religion.” How can this be accepted as a justification in a country that was founded around the idea of freedom of religion? When these people play the God card I am always tempted to bring up another Biblical message: “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.”

One of the nation’s biggest gay-rights support displays occurred on Saturday across the country with tens of thousands of people showing up 11 days after Proposition 8 was passed to ban previously legal same-sex marriage in California. About 4,000 people gathered in New York at City Hall. In Los Angeles, Mayor Antonio R. Villaraigosa spoke before 9,000 people, expressing confidence that the measure (currently being challenged in California courts) would be overturned. In Washington 900 gathered before the Capitol and the White House. Proposition 8 passed with 52 percent of the vote and was one of three measures passed November 4 to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage. Arizona and Florida were the two other states, and in Arkansas gay couples were banned from adopting children. The only two states allowing same-sex marriage are currently Connecticut and Massachusetts, though people in these states are not content to remain silent about Proposition 8. Supporters of the measure argue that is not “antigay” but “pro-marriage.”

let it rock, let it rock, let it rock

2008-11-13T23:20:38Z

The past few days I've been thinking of nothing but veterinary school. Mostly, can I hack it? And then today I got back my ap bio test on genetics: 96. A sign?

Haha no. No such thing. But....

it's a confidence booster. And I'm becoming more and more convinced....

I know I want to do this. And I think I can. Now I just.... have to get into college and pay for it.

I tried to be cool, but you're so hot that I melted

2008-11-11T12:40:43Z

November days. Grey sheets of cloud make the conflagration of leaves pop. Chilly winds. Long sleeve shirts when you run. Scarves. Peppermint twist mocha. Thanksgiving. Excitement in the air. Holidays coming. Puffs of breath in the morning. Frost on the windshield, frost on the back. Frost in the grass, if you squint it looks like snow. Mittens, gloves, hats, sweaters. Itchy sweaters. Hot chocolate you burn you teeth on. Stiff fingers. Agonizing pain as you step out of the shower and into the arctic. Light early, dark early. Dark trunks against golden foliage. Something is happening.

autumn leaves and bright eyes, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

2008-11-09T21:53:07Z

Leaves are falling. Again. It feels like I've seen a hundred autumns, but I guess I've only seen 17. This fall is different, though.

Cross Country is over. I ran through 8 races, thousands of miles, an embarrassing quantity of tears, and the intense bonding that only results through a shared suffering. After running six days a week, running hard, with people you can't help but love, it's sort of a shock when it ends.

A lot has changed this school year along with, sometimes because of, running.
My best friends and I have drifted apart. One night in a Wendy's parking lot many weeks ago she admitted to feeling friendless and abandoned outside of the ring of cross country. I didn't really know what to say to that. It's always been the other way around, me resenting her contacts. I just told her that it'd be over soon. Well, it's over. But nothing has changed.
But everything changes, and just this Friday was the meeting for prospective runners. Seniors will leave, people were infiltrate our circle. It'll kill me.
Most of the time, I crave change. But I always feel as if for any change to happen, something has to die.
I'm somehow etching out A's, but I've never been lazier. I just can't get myself to manage my time and stop procrastinating.
I'm more sure than ever that I want to be a vet. But I still have piercing moments of doubt. I don't know what to do.
Last week's election has filled me with hope. For the first time I can remember, I don't quite feel ashamed to be an American. I deeply love the Obamas.
If a certain person showed the slightest interest, I would pursue. But that would change everything.

I just want to sit at home and watch Scrubs all day.

please tell me you'll stay

2008-08-10T22:29:26Z

Oh my God school starts tomorrow. I didn't realize how much I procrastinated until I sat down to write my essays this morning. Yeah. Not fun. I started at 8:30 and got done at 5. And I've never written essays so fast. I'm really sick of typing, so this is gonna be short. Basically I'm not very excited about school. I'll be returning to 2 old teachers though, which makes me feel a bit more secure. I just feel like it'll be the same old thing with new, harder torturers. Ah well. That's the way it goes. Guess who's getting a big fat fluffy coffee tomorrow morning?

I haven't finished my summer work.

2008-08-07T12:53:23Z

rain, rain rain, rainy rain. It's actually raining in Memphis in the summertime- how strange! it's making me yearn for cold gray mornings that make you want to do nothing but stay in bet a couple more hours or maybe just go ahead and get up and have a hot chocolate and then curl up on the couch and read or maybe just bundle up in a coat and go look at your breath dancing out in front of your face. When I was younger I used to pretend I was a dragon expelling buffeting smoke. GRAR! Ok, so maybe I still do that occassionally.... I miss frigid puddles and stiff fingers and NO HUMIDITY. Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves and skip AUTUMN!!!! Oranges and pumpkins and chilly winds and leafy sidewalks. sweaters and scarves.

I want that right now. But we've still got at least 2 more moths of oppressive heat. Oh well, bring it on. I am so depressed to think of not having fresh summer produce, though, Agggh. Tomatoes don't leave me ;_;

I saw Sisterhood 2 last night. It was fluffy and ok what was so annoying was that the theater was filled with teen girls and yes, yes, I'm a teen girl but these people apparently haden't read the books? Because any time anything would happeb there would be this great gasp. Come on, people. It's not like this is breaking news. And everyone laughed entirely too much and the wrong things. Oh well. I guess I can't really complain. My punishment for this girly flufftastic guilty pleasure of mine. Muahaha. I want either Brigit or Tibby's warbrobe.

my desperate endeavors

2008-08-06T21:33:40Z

Yeah it's been awhile stfu.

I need to vent- there's no jaw dropping going on out there, I see. I'm sick of feeling unwanted, uninteresting, unlovable. I hate how the minute he came back in town she started letting me find her. I hate how she obviously doesn't want to give me much of her time. I hate how much I hate this. I wish I could be a more easygoing person, a person less ruffled, less offended, less angry, less ready to be angry. I wish she wouldn't agree to go out to sunflower fields with me in the afternoon and then call at 4 and ask me to come over at 6 so we can NOT make the delicious vegetarian meal I was anticipating making and then make cookies for a party I'm not going to for people I don't know. Goddammit. We're not going to be seeing any sunflowers. I don't even want to go over anymore. She forgot we had plans in the first place and was planning on going to dinner with her boyfriend and his aunt. That did wonders for my self esteem- she's not even flaking because she can't even remember our plans in the first place. I'm sick of feeling like a chore. She complains about feeling like a burden to him when she turns around and makes me feel the same way. Yesterday I felt HIGH I was so nutty. My heart was racing and I couldn't sit still and I just felt like crying and yelling for no reason in the world and every reason in the world. I kill myself running every morning but it seems like that's all I have now. I suffer with these marvelous people for an hour and then I go home and feel alone. It's a never ending loop. I don't know how to exit. I don't know if I can. I can't know if I'll ever be true to myself around you. You make me want to hide. You make me want to hurt.

3 things

2008-06-24T00:25:26Z

snagged from.... haha

three things I've done
-questioned the worth of my life
-gone vegetarian
-rejected my religion

three things i've never done
-tasted alcohol
-been in love
-known what I want to do with my life

three things i want to do
-leave the country
-get published
-kiss a girl (the song intrigued me! haha X])

three things I'll never do
-smoke
-believe in God
-eat animals
-

I have nothing to say

2008-06-22T02:35:03Z

15. Maximum Ride

I was sort of determined to hate this book but I inhaled it in one day. Um. It's addictive. I will be picking up the sequel sometime in the near future.

Um. It's kind of scary how much I hate myself right now. Make it stop?

madhadder2010 @ 2008-06-20T14:58:00

2008-06-20T21:42:08Z

I want to volunteer for an animal shelter. I'm thinking the Humane Society? Eh I was nonplussed by their facilities and the general environment but all the more reason to pitch in, right? I love the atmosphere at Mewtopia but when I worked there I never felt like I was more of a help than a burden. I need to be useful and proactive. Whoooo! *fist pump*

lol Birdcage = best movie EVAR. I watched it for the second time last night and had forgotten just how magical it is. X]

I didn't die running today! I am exhausted still but I didn't die. I had this great moment at the end of the 5k where this one girl was ahead of me and this other girl who had already finished was cheering me on and yelling at me "Beat her, Maddy, BEAT HER!" So I did! I felt so empowered. =]

Dead Poet's Society = my philosophy

2008-06-18T01:37:25Z

Books I've read in 2008:

Towelhead
Girl, Interrupted
The Virgin Suicides
The Namesake
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Cry, the Beloved Country
Night
The Awakening
The Picture of Dorian Gray
1984 (reread)
A Wolf at the Table
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Pride and Prejudice
The Sweet Far Thing (in the process)

I came across the 50 book challenge group the other night and started wondering how many books I've read this year. Eek that's not very many. I need to pick it up! I NEED to finish The Sweet Far Thing. I have been reading that since school let out no lie. Yes, I'm ashamed. Whooo I need to get reading.

it's hard to find angels in hell

2008-06-17T02:33:08Z

I don't really know why I wrote this. Probably just because I felt like I should write something. Anything. And running is invading my brain. It's what I do. It's how I prove myself to myself. Anyways, this is one of the most honest things I've written in a long time.

She’s running. Sunlight is leaking from the empty sky and trickling down her neck, leaving sticky trails. She puts two fingers to her temple and feels a layer of grime, and it’s one of the most satisfying feelings in the world. Stumbling with the slope, her shoes pound into dew-saturated grass, soaking her feet. Downhill the pack gallops, gasping under the salty sun, smacking the road when they hit the bottom. She falls back; there are cords wrapped around her muscles and they’re tightening with every step. Continuing hurts, but not as much as stopping does.
So many thousands of feet of the ground
That’s all there is: ground and feet and space. The land flattens and her heart rate careens madly and she grits her teeth. A voice shouts in her brain. It tells her how worthless she is. How unattractive her body is. How weak her willpower is. Inside she yells and claws. She pushes against the chains around her ankles and moves up. She struggles to hold her pace. No one talks. Everyone breathes raggedly. Scalding light beats down on their shoulders. There is nothing here. There is only the run. There is only the hill that lives and looms and taunts and sucks at her shoes. That hill is every enemy she will ever make. That hill is all there is right now. If she pushes even harder, she can forget. All metal and heat, a car shoves past, throwing a wave of exhaust in her face. She falters. She is reminded of their nastiness. Her nastiness. A post sprouts from the crest of the hill. The end. She throws her body upward, penance. She is punishing her inferior body, beating it into submission. Jerking her arms, clutching her palms, she wants to feel her flesh burning away, cell by cell. She wants to feel herself lessening. She wants to feel her bones. She meets the post with ravenous desire; she sees the sinews of the old wood and strokes it. And she wants to laugh with these people, because they share this run. She feels connected to human beings. She feels high and the bits of grass clinging to her legs and the sweat on her skin and her mussed hair make her feel accomplished. He barks and they gossip and she disengages but she clings to the feeling. Bare legs against the scalding metal of her car, she chugs water and loves her exhaustion.

You know what sucks? Not fitting in with your family. That's just low. This is killing me.
I want to go shopping. I want some new jeans. And cargo pants.
I want to feel like a human being again.
I want to be in Oregon.

you can't see the sky here at night

2008-06-15T21:08:03Z

MMMk so those essays? You know how I had 8 of them to write? Right. Well, I wrote one. And I should have 6 done by now. UGH. OK NEW GOAL. B/c when I set goals here, I accomplish them. B/c I have pride & reputation issues and an eternal burning drive to prove myself to people, imagined, hated, worshiped, whatever. Ugh. Ok New goal. I'm writing 3 tonight. I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO STAY UP LATEEEEEE. WHATEVER- I'M DOING IT.

I got new running shoes =D Makes me so happy. Asics cumulus 10. They're blindingly white. I've been running in my old pair way too long. 3 days a week since November. LOL. They're dying. :[ But I won't throw them out. We've been through some times. They were my connection to pain and ecstasy, disappointment and fulfillment, hurt and comfort, self-destruction and control. I shall keep them and coddle them in their retirement. Shoes <3

I really haven't done anything physical today and I feel crappy about that :/. Weekends screw me up b/c obviously there's no practice on the weekend yet. I'm actually looking forward to 6 days a week b/c that'll ensure I get a workout 6 days a week. Yesterday I biked for an hour and swam for longer but I still felt bad b/c it didn't feel as strenuous as running does. Urrgh?

I may go for a 15-20 min run right before dinner when it starts cooling off to break in the new shoes. And dirty them up. Good that'll mean I do SOMETHING. OK, so I'm going to do that. Yep. I was fine on Friday after having done a 30 min run the night before. I actually did better at practice than I thought I would.

This is getting long and boring. I'm going to go stop myself from having a meltdown by cleaning my room. Free therapy.

I'm going to be gone for good again

2008-06-09T23:01:50Z

OK.
I WILL write 1/8 of these essays. TONIGHT. I WILL FUCKING DO IT TONIGHT. That way by next Tuesday I'll be done if I do one essay a day. Hah!
If I don't do this, I don't even know. I'm hopeless, worthless.
STARTING NOW.

she let him upstairs, she let him upstairs

2008-06-09T03:44:51Z

I feelIfeelIfeelIfeel

Can I not do? Is that it for me? My life?

My computer is so fucked up. It's slow and sometimes it doesn't even respond and crashes and the internet doesn't work agggh it's frustrating

I am do gross and flabby and I need to exercise more and work out and not be the lazy ass that I have been so far this summer. Tomorrow is the first day of official summer xc training and I am going to SWEAT. SWEAT SWEAT SWEAT SWEAT. ughughugh

I feel like crying but I can't my eyes are dry.
I haven't felt this alone in a long time. I feel discarded.
D-I-S-C-A-R-D-E-D

Oh I saw Cold Mountain for the first time. Incredible.

Fuck I have to get up at 6.

if this is what you want then fire at will

2008-06-05T00:34:21Z

SUMMER YAY FTW. :D

The good:
No school- HAH. Oh man, I never knew how hard I could hate school until I hit that last 6 weeks.
Time to write- and I actually have =]
Time to do lots of stuff, actually, which I should.....
Driving!!!! I can do it now. So yeah. That helps.
OREGON AT THE END OF THE MONTH.
I can more easily avoid people I don't like. This sounds quite misanthropic, yes. But, unfortunately, a large quantity of people that I don't like go to my school.
I can control my life. I can decide what I'm going to do with it. I can chose to get up early instead of being forced to do so by an alarm clock and a frightening 1st period Latin teacher.
Running at 7AM is a lot more pleasant than running after school at 3:30 PM.

The nghghg:
ACT/SAT workshops. :p sort of a drag to show up for school 5 days a week 4 weeks in a row even if it is only 3 hours a day. Oh well it's just June.
Running. Is. About. To. Intensify.
Certain family issues are harder to avoid.
Now that I have all this time and space to do what I want, I find myself questioning. Am I spending my time wisely? Am I being productive? Am I preparing for my future? HOLY SHIT AM I WASTING MY SUMMER????
GAHHHH SUMMER WORK I NEED TO GO FINISH CH 1 OF ANGELA'S ASHES LOLOLOLOL

YEAH OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about America's future. Or something. I mean, seriously, if Obama doesn't take this thing to victory, I'm hiking to Canada.
I really, really wish I could vote. It makes me so angry that people who can won't. WHY??????

I promise, sugar, I wasn't trying to steal

2008-05-20T01:51:45Z

Something is wrong with me. Arrrrrrrrrrg. I have some freakish, mutated gear in my brain that emits anit-social, self-sabatoging hormones.

And I'm sick of what school is doing to my psyche. One minute, I'm supa stressed and about to rip my eyes out, the next I don't care and am sleeping, the next I feel guilty for sleeping, the next I feel rage towards the institution that requires me to feel guilty, the next I hate my wimp-out self, on and on and on, so that I end up huddled on my bed listening to Secondhand Serenade on a continuous loop. Oh well. 4 more days.

Ew so it looks like I've got 4 solid weeks in June with sat/act workshop :p summer school in disguise fuck my life. 11:30- 2ish and that's after 7:00 am cross country practices. JOY. BUT. Don't get my wrong. ANYTHING is better than school. Anything. And Oregon comes at the end of June! Yay =] + I can drive this summer so WIN!

I don't know what people want me to be.

See? I swear to god the only times I post are when I'm procrastinating. I should study for exams. ARG.

shot me down as I flew by

2008-04-25T00:32:33Z

FUCK.
Is my favorite word these days.
I feel so eloquent.

I'm so sick of not communicating properly.
Today I wrote it on a sheet of paper. "Something is wrong with me. When I feel distant, I respond by pulling away." And left it in my friend's locker.

I only post here when I'm procrastinating, I see.
Yesterday it was hot. Really hot. And running was lame. Tomorrow we go at Shelby Farms. I'll die. Oh well. I've accepted being weak haha.
I have to go memorize some Latin.
And then not do it and watch the Office and Lost. FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I'm obsessed with somebody.

5 More Weeks.... CAN I SURVIVE?

2008-04-24T01:29:15Z

I ask you this in earnest.

Hey, looks like I'm going to Oregon this summer =D 2 weeks of writing in the mountains. Oh man oh man.

I don't really know what to say. School is draining. It's that time of year where I just don't care anymore, but I know 2 weeks after school ends I'll care again and will shoot myself if I don't just suck it up and haul ass this last 6 weeks. So I am. I should be hardcore studying for a Latin test right now. I've gotten pretty great at last-minute budgeting my time though. So'sok.

I'm reading The Virgin Suicides right now. It's mesmerizing. The friend who lent it to me said it pretty well: I only like it if it has sex or insane people in it. lol true, that. It helps if it's also a spectacularly written book, as this is.

I've come to the conclusion that I am perpetually pissed off about something. Even when I'm happy, it's happiness standing on the shoulders of anger. I am I angsty? Or is something fundamentally wrong with me? Probably both.

I think it's true that an author's work is nothing more than a veiled reflection of his or her life. I can't escape it. I can't help myself. I think it's true.

I'm ready for this school year to end and for my life to start happening. I feel dead in this place.

for once I didn't disengage

2008-04-06T15:46:13Z

Engh. It's been a while :/

Crazy stuff. School is a beast. We're about to enter the 6th 6 weeks. SUMMER IS IN SIGHT.
I am currently anxiously awaiting new from Lewis & Clark college in Oregon about acceptance into their 2 week summer program. I won't let myself get excited about it. I want it so bad.

Gregory and the Hawk is my current favorite.
Applied for APs. We'll see if I get in. I'm pretty sure I will. But I've learned to wait. and see.
Latin Convention this week in Clarksville! It's been a while since Ive been on a road trip, so I'm pumped. Even if it is for Latin.

Now I must go embark on a day of studying. YEAH.

What is it that you want? What is it that you give?

2008-03-09T14:57:39Z

Damn daylight saving time.

UGH. so I'm mad. At my friend. Who spent another lovely night on top of her boyfriend after already spending the whole freaking day with him and ignoring me. So effing sick of it. I feel discarded. Second class. Second choice. An afterthought.

Open up my evil eyes
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

Confrontation time.

life and stuff

2008-03-08T01:44:53Z

Oh no I haven't posted in a while. I don't want to completely revert to my lurker-ish tendencies.

I am so addicted to Augusten Burroughs. His writing is just so.... adhesive. You can't escape from it. It traps you and you have to read the book... in one sitting. Or maybe two. I am reading Dry and it's fierce.

Speaking of fierce, YEAH, Christian won Project Runway :D Rami's stuff was amazing though and I would actually have been happy if he won. I have just never been a huge fan of Jillian, although she looks like an interesting person and I lust after her hair.

IT'S SNOWING OMFG IT'S SNOWING IN MEMPHIS SO PRETTY SO PRETTY SO PRETTY. I romped X]

Life has been busy. School is intense. Been looking into summer programs- I may go to Oregon for two weeks for a writing program :D SO PUMPED. I just have to email my 9th grade English teacher and ask her to write me a reference. Ugh I feel uncomfortable asking anyone. I know student referrals must be a pain in the ass to write.

Wind pushing fat slobbery flakes
into your body.
A light film against dark skin;
skeleton in a blank canvas.
And you stretch- upward,
naked, trying to escape,
desperate grasping-
gulping murky air-
grasping at borrowed time.
Earth coated in cold white.
An ocean of milk
licking at your feet.
And the greasy asphalt
shines a purer shine-
but all is ephemeral.
And it will melt.
And they will come for you.

when you gonna get back up?

2008-02-18T03:59:16Z

DUDE so I am totally trying to redeem my free ring tone from the bottle of Herbal Essence mousse that I bought today and it's totally not working. MAYNE.

Pride and Prejudice... is such a drag to read. I wanted to like it, I really did. And I love the mini series on Masterpiece Theater, but this book... does not float my boat :/

I am bitter bitter bitter

I'm trying to crank out chapter 2 of the fanfic I first posted months and months ago. I just cannot get my thoughts typed up. *struggle*

Mmmh I definitely need to run tomorrow as I skipped cross country on friday. Shame on me. Ah well. Everyone else skips about once a week and I never miss so I don't really feel bad.

FYI, there are lots of delicious protein bars out there. SRSLY, if someone told me I was being forced to eat nothing but protein bars for a month, I'd be like "MK COOL."